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Book Review:

How Young Leaders Can Thrive in an Uncertain World

80| Book Review: What Is Water? How Young Leaders Can Thrive in an Uncertain World 1

On this episode, we discuss a few key ideas we wanted to highlight from the book.

  • How can you moderate the use of your strenuous gifts?
  • How can you enjoy and develop your hidden treasures?
  • Take a few minutes to think about all the people in the world who could possibly care about you - either in your daily life or in the background of your life. These people could have a large impact on your life, or enrich it through small acts of kindness or support. 
  • Whom do you want to create a deeper relationship with? How could you achieve this? 
Author
Kayvan Kian is an entrepreneur, teacher, and management consultant at McKinsey & Company in Amsterdam. He is the founder of the Young Leaders Forum, and has given guest lectures at Harvard Business School, HEC, Sciences Po, and other schools. Ever since childhood, he has been interested in understanding how some people are able to thrive through challenging times in life, and he hopes that by sharing these hard-fought lessons with each other, we can make this world a better place. He holds an MBA from INSEAD and a degree in both Economics and Law from the Erasmus University Rotterdam.
Kayvan Kian

What Is Water? How Young Leaders Can Thrive in an Uncertain World

We live in a world that feels increasingly volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous (VUCA). For young people, the sense of unease this world creates comes with serious difficulties. Many are asking: how can you lead, grow, and thrive in today's world?

In What is Water?, Kayvan shifts the focus away from this overwhelm and toward ways of thinking that will help you grow stronger through it all. Drawing on everything from ancient Stoic philosophy to contemporary examples, Kayvan delivers an approach for dealing with our VUCA world that is simple, pragmatic, and easily transferable to teams, families, and communities. You are not alone in this struggle, and with this book, you'll be empowered with a strong sense of choice in life, no matter what kind of situations come your way.

Go deeper on this topic at whatiswater.art

Interested in more Stoic Philosophy? We recommend The Daily Stoic 

What Is Stoicism? A Definition & 9 Stoic Exercises To Get You Started 

Episode Transcriptions Unedited, Auto-Generated.

Tyson (00:15):

Welcome to the social chameleon show where it's our goal to help you learn, grow and transform. A person want to become today is book review time. We're doing what is, what is water here? How young leaders can thrive in an uncertain world by Kevin Keon? He's kind of a friend of mine too. So maybe I'm a little biased with this book. I was also I was also interviewed for the research phase of the book too. Maybe even more biased because of that as whole, but as fun participating in this book a quick little summary of the book here it says here we, we live in a world that feels increasingly volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous VUCA with, I think we'll get to that. He talks a lot about that word in the book for young people, the sense of unease this world creates comes with serious difficulties.

Tyson (01:09):

Many are asking how can you lead, grow and thrive in today's world in what is water, cave and shifts the focus away from the hit from this overwhelm and towards ways of thinking that will help you grow stronger through it, all drawing on everything from ancient stoic philosophy to temporary examples, keeping delivers an approach for dealing with our VUCA world that is simple, pragmatic, and easily transferable to teams, families, and communities. You're not alone in the struggle. And with this book, you will be empowered with a strong sense of choice in life, no matter what kind of situations come situations come your way. Kevin is an entrepreneur and teacher and management consultant at McKinsey and company in Amsterdam. If you wanna know more about him, I'll have his bio in the show notes. So ransom, maybe an unbiased view here from you. How did you like the book? What was your thoughts? Good, bad. I, I guess, I don't know for those of you reading it at the beginning it's Oh, this book may not be for you. And I was like, how do you know?

Tyson (02:14):

I was like, Oh, well, I mean, it is a good book. I'm in the context, you know, under certain context if you're looking for something that's kind of like, you know, like a story driven or kind like focused, driven towards a particular, one thing that you're trying to get out of it. This may not be the book for you. I'm of the mindset of having an open mind. So I definitely think that this book is worth reading because it has a lot of tools in it. It's a good resource book, I guess, like a pocket. You're not trying to say, like, I know I've thought about that too. Like a little reference, manual little field manual that you can keep, or was it 125 pages or something

Ransom (03:03):

And something like that, then you can go in any order, like, you don't have to read the book front to back in any way, shape or form. You could just kind of like pick it up and like, Oh, what do I need help on today? And just like, look through it and, and grab like good stuff out of it. And that's kind of what I liked about the book. And that's, to me, yeah. It's actually got a lot of good stuff in there.

Tyson (03:24):

So any, anything you didn't like, or is it just kind of mediocre or how did you think about that?

Ransom (03:31):

I'm going to say for the most part, a lot of the exercises I knew how to do already. But then again, you know, it's always good to have a good reminder and there was some new stuff in there. I think we'll, we'll get into some of that, but yeah, no, there is a good way that he kind of puts things together and, you know, it's very well put together and he is, he adds a new element to some of the exercises. So I kinda like that, but the only thing I ever needed, like is like probably at least, Hey, we'll give him 40, like 40% of the book. Cause like nothing new. I already seen it on it, did it the other day, other 40%. And I'm like, okay, there's a few good things in here. So,

Tyson (04:13):

And that is what he starts with the book off kind of with it, you know this book contains exactly zero new ideas. Instead you will find us and this, this of many ways of thinking that help and I like how he's straight up was just like, listen, this is nothing new, but let me put this in a format to, you know, keep these high level concepts, give you great exercises, some great questions, very well thought out. And like, I guess he was saying this in the book as well. These questions have been morphed over time with a lot of things he does as a McKinsey consultant. He also has a young leaders forum. He runs he does guest lecturing and different things like that. So he has definitely been able to tweak these over the years and really find, and I liked a lot of the way the questions are framed and

Ransom (04:58):

Oh, for sure the exercises are good. Even like some of the examples that he gives to the questions kind of like really like Mickey thing, like, Oh, all I see what he's trying to get at. Right. It's really, really well.

Tyson (05:11):

Yeah. And that's the thing. A lot of times I think we forget about when we read books, it's not to, to just read the book and put on yourself as a trophy it's to take something from the book, whatever it is you're looking for, you can use and implementing that a lot. There's a lot of things we do. I I'm guilty of it all the time. It, you know, read a book and you don't implement anything there. And the way he has is structured is there's at least it's asking the questions, get you thinking. And there's elements of implementation that goes along with reading this book.

Ransom (05:41):

Yeah. So, yeah, like I said it's, it's pretty well put together and it's more of like a field manual kind of thing, for sure.

Tyson (05:50):

Definitely. Definitely. It's a good book.

Ransom (05:53):

Yeah. Not one of those things. So they're just like read front back to cover. I mean, unless you are brand new to self help or, you know, mental development kind of stuff, then it might be a good front to back cover for your first get go, or maybe even your second or third. But other than that, I think we just leave it at the field manual. Excellent. For regular book. That's pretty good.

Tyson (06:16):

Yeah. And the, if you have the physical copy or the digital PDF type copy there's great. It's, it's laid out the table of contents laid out. Well, there's good appendixes with all kinds of different things in there to kind of help you navigate the book in a really simple, easy way.

Ransom (06:36):

No. Cool.

Tyson (06:37):

So yeah. Any, any other things we wanna highlight before we kinda dive deep into some of these exercises in here? That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go over it. A lot of the exercises,

Ransom (06:46):

I don't even think this is a lot of the exercises, two exercises out of it. And just from even there, like instead of the questions in the book and the way he puts it all together is just, it's really cool. Yeah. So one of the, I don't know, I wouldn't necessarily call it a new idea, but the way that he kind of spun the idea that I liked is this whole idea about like developing yourself and your strengths and weaknesses, and then reading the book, I'm thinking, all right, strengths and weaknesses. Okay, I get it, I get it. Or whatever. Then he kinda threw on this new thing. He's like, well, let's add an additional element to it. As far as something that not only a spring is not only something that you're good at, but also gives you energy. And they'll say, wait. Yeah.

Ransom (07:36):

I was like, that's kinda cool. And then from there, when you break that down, he talks to the public two things, which are number one, which is a strenuous gift. So Australian gift is something that you are good at yet to do it. It takes so much energy out of you just like draining, you know, versus a strength. You can just kind of do that naturally, no sweat, you can do that. And I can do this all day Mac, you can come in, but you know, Australia scare, like I can do these, but what has worked? Like you feel it. And then the other one is going to be your hidden treasures where stuff that you're not really good at where you just kinda like, eh, like just like, hi, I'm not really good at this, but you can keep these common men cause like this ain't nothing. So like, it gives you energy yet. You're not good at it. And I was like, wait, I was like slow motion. But you know, and those, and just that way of thinking to me is like, Oh, you know what? Let's put one of this exercises up here and give people a spin on that. And you know, I think that this exercise kind of highlights one of the, one of the things I already enjoyed about the book, but

Tyson (08:44):

Yeah, that was something interesting to think about as well. Which is why we kind of gravitated to some of these questions was I liked how he put in the book when he was writing about the stern, he was gifts. He says the things that you're good at, but at the same time, drain your energy again. This can be any skill depending on the person and the risk of mistaking, this category for strengths like, wow. I was like, you know, you probably think of X as a strength of yours as something you're good at not realizing, not taking a step back 10 at a time, that self awareness kind of element of saying, I'm good at this. This is something, you know, maybe why I work here, why I do this thing, but man, at the end of this thing

Ransom (09:22):

And just wiped out and drained

Tyson (09:25):

And not thinking about it, I like how you have the option to think about it. And then on the hidden treasures, a lot of times I think these are where, you know, you have fun, maybe there's a hobby maybe or whatever. And then you don't think, start to think about developing that. Maybe not good at it now, but you enjoy it. But developing that and maybe into something else, like a lot of people talk about Oh, I don't know what I'm passionate about. I don't know, whatever.

Ransom (09:47):

I think this hidden treasure is a good place to explore

Tyson (09:51):

Something you enjoy. And maybe you're not good at it yet, but you can develop it as something you can become passionate about. It can become more than just a hobby and you can maybe even spin it into a sidebar

Ransom (10:01):

Or a business or something like that. I think there's good,

Tyson (10:05):

Good things in between those two areas.

Ransom (10:06):

Yeah. And even in the book, like he takes it further and like I said, like no way he like blaze the book out and like, those exercises is really on point or the hidden treasures is like, you know, it's just something that gives you energy. Something that you are, you know, I guess enthusiastic about. Right. I mean enthusiast about something and then you know, but break that down. Just like, if you're enthusiastic about this thing, like, what is it, you know what I mean? Like if he can break that one diet, one item down and kind of find, okay, I like doing XYZ per se, even though I suck at it. Right. You know what I mean? It gives me like, for me, I guess a good example is like playing super smash bros. Like I love playing a game. Like I play a game all day, even though I am horrible at it.

Ransom (10:52):

Like my son could, well, my buddy at that game, but I still like it, you know? But then when you break it down, it's like, well, what do I really like about the game? You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. I'm not good at it, but what do I like about it? What, what things energize me about it? And it's like, you know, it has a wide variety of characters in it. You have to like learn it. It has a lot of stages in it. So like you, you know, I like the learning aspect of it. I like the mind games that you have to play with the game. And like, you know, just in those subtle little things that you can like about doing something, you can find out one of your strengths. Cause one of those subtle little things you might actually be really good at, and that might be one of your strengths that you just never knew. Yeah. I, I,

Tyson (11:36):

I think back to that concept of you know, getting comfortable being uncomfortable and that type of thing, like, you know, that element of it, like I think a hidden treasure, I think about for me is I enjoy going fishing.

Ransom (11:47):

I suck at it,

Tyson (11:50):

But I enjoy aspects of it. Like I enjoy trying to slow down trying to be patient, you know, and those things, I'm not, not something I like to just go a hundred miles an hour and patience is not in my vocabulary, but there's something there that is finally like, how can I, you know, you know, whether it's technique or different things and how can I just sit there and enjoy fishing? It's not catching it's fishing. Like what can I do too? Right. Everybody loves catching. But the fishing part, that's the hard part, you know, to me, that's the fun part where it's like, you're not, I find myself like after a while of, you know, of getting skunked for a while and you start to get anxious, like, Oh, what can I do? I'm gonna, I'm going to start speeding this up. I'm gonna start doing this and I'm start doing all these things. I'm gonna try this. I'm gonna try that. And especially when you have access to, you know, your phone and internet, you're like, I've caught myself before that. I mean, I watched a YouTube video real quick and see what I'm doing. And I'm like trying to hurry up and get the catching going and really missing out on the true newness of it, of that opportunity to be still, to be patient and to develop some of those skills that go along with something like fishing.

Ransom (13:00):

Yeah. And then in this case, I mean, I don't know if this is, I can't remember if it's in the book or not, but this is the part where, you know, for you being this hidden treasure of yours, like you can kind of use patient. I mean, patients, you can use fishing as a way to kind of like pool patients into the rest of what you do in your life. Right. I mean, it's like, you understand that, but when I go fishing like this, something that I suck at, it, it gives me energy. So I'm going to do it. And then with that, you learn a new skill of patience. And then now you can take that to something else, you know, whether it'd be like talking to a client or whether it be like blogging or something. And it's like, Oh, I just want to hurry up and answer this person's question. And it might just be like, you know what, maybe I'll take the fishing approach here and just kind of slow down. And you know what I mean? Like this

Tyson (13:49):

Exactly. It's an opportunity to train in something. You know what I mean? A lot of times, you know, we don't take those opportunities to do our training until it's live, it's ready to go. And now you're in this moment of panic or stress or whatever. And it's like, you didn't train for this. You had no experience in this at all. And those are, I think that's the part of the hidden treasure is where it's an opportunity to do some training. Well, there's no high stakes in this, on the line. There's no, you know, deal on the line or whatever it is, you know, losing your job, fight, you know what I mean? All of these different things that come up where you can look back on this and say, I spent some time training here.

Ransom (14:25):

Yeah. But I mean, that's just, that's just it too. I mean, even with the thing where you're unprepared or whatever, like, you know, you could easily gain a strenuous day when you're not prepared. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah. You're like, Oh, you get hit, you get slammed. Like you could be very good at doing impromptu things or very good at improvising yet it takes a lot out of you. You know, I kind of found that in my real estate it was just like, I liked being in that uncomfortable position because that's just, I'm good at it. I worked best with my back is against a wall. And like, I don't know what's going on yet being in that position, like really drains me and like puts me. I mean, I feel good at the end of the day and I'm just like totally completely wiped out and drained, you know? It's like, that's, you know, something that like you were saying earlier, I thought was it gets the mind, but come to find out so strenuous here, it's not, it's not a true strength. It's not something that I can pull off and then like easily do like, it's something that I can do, but at the end of the day, I'm gonna pay for it.

Tyson (15:33):

Yeah. And if you don't take the time to think about what are the downstream effects of this, I mean, think about a typical nine to five and 10:00 AM like, boom, you get hit with a strenuous gift task. And then noon. You're like, I'm white for the rest of the day. Now you're ineffective. If it arrested entire day or, or, you know, if you think about Nan, you know, you're home, you're chilling at 7:00 PM. And you're like, all of a sudden something comes up and like, boom, my strangers GIF has come to the task. Now I'm not going to bed till three o'clock in the morning. And it's like, boom, like all of a sudden you're like shit. And taking that time and awareness to be able to look at that and say, this is going to drain me. What part of my day do I want to maybe engage in this type of activity and setting up maybe your schedule, if you could say, I know when I do this, it's draining. So if I do this at three o'clock, I'm white at five, that's good. Cause I'm, I'm done, I'm leaving, everything's off my plate. It's the last thing I'm gonna do today. And head out the building, you know, that's something you can set yourself up for a little bit.

Ransom (16:30):

Yeah. And again, these are like concepts that I just like for whatever reason, either I miss them in lessons before just kind of hit home with me and said, I, you know what, like, this is a good thing to share with people about this book. We're going to do this book review because these two things, I don't think very many people think about. They just think, Oh, I am good at that. I'm good at that. I'm good at that. They don't necessarily think about how much time or how much energy or how much resource goes into it. And even the stuff that they don't really like, they're not very good at like, there's like, I don't want to do that cause I'm not good at it yet. You may not realize that there is something about that activity that feeds you. You know, even though you're not good at it, like it still feeds you and you can learn from that. So I don't know. Yeah.

Tyson (17:16):

Good. And even using that same framework from this, from the strength, if you use that hidden gift and you say, I'm not good at this, but I enjoy it. And making sure you have the time and the bandwidth to be able to go through that activity. Cause sometimes those, those are gonna take longer. They're gonna take more effort, more energy and understanding like, you know, I'm not good at this, but I've, I've got a three hour window. I know I can accomplish this. It's going to take me a long time, but I enjoy it. I enjoy the challenge, the learning, whatever it is, you're, you're enjoying about that.

Ransom (17:45):

But being aware of the element that you need, the

Tyson (17:50):

Space or whatever you need to accomplish that thing, these are the, I never thought about these things in these contexts. And that's the thing, you know, when you start the book off with that, that, that line of, you know it, you know, if this, if you have these things down, this is not for you. And the very first thing I think is, I'm sorry, bud. I want to do a book review, but I guess I better close this up.

Ransom (18:12):

Yeah. Yeah. That's the other thing too, when I, you know, like I said, they get echo. I was like, you know, the person you're describing is who I at least think I am. And like I came in, I called it from the beginning. I would know a lot of things in this, but I look for stuff like hitting treasures, you know, it's stuff. That's like just out there, whatever, but it's going to give me energy. It's going to feed me. And just little things like this, like I may have wasted an hour or whatever, but I got something out of it. You know what I mean?

Tyson (18:42):

Yeah. But really, was it a waste when you learn something, are you having a new perspective or new? Somebody says sometimes, you know, some like the other day I was I was at this class and our four or five was told this guy the same thing and in our own, slightly different spin on it. And he just wasn't getting it. And then somebody else came through and said essentially the exact same thing in a slightly different way. And he was like, Oh, it's as you guys are trying to tell me this whole time. Yeah. But that's the thing. If you think I already know this shit, I've already noticed stuff and you go into something, you go into a book, you go into whatever saying, I already noticed stuff. Guess what? You're not learning.

Ransom (19:18):

Yeah.

Tyson (19:19):

In this book is saying, I know these things, but there's gotta be some, I hope there's, I'm expecting a nugget of wisdom, a different spin on a concept. I never thought of a different way. He says something that now makes it click in my brain. And that's the thing. We got to go into these things, grabbing books, taking classes, whatever it is saying, I noticed stuff, but there's, there's going to be something here I'm going to learn. I'm going to get either better at it. I'm going to have a better understanding of it. Somebody's going to say something in a way that's going to click all of a sudden. So that's the thing like we gotta, I think we should do a lot more is going to these things with a little bit more of an open mind saying, I hope there's something I can learn from, from Bob or what, or this book or whatever it is. Even though I already noticed material either I'm going to deepen my learning of it or I'm going to find a new perspective.

Ransom (20:04):

Yeah, yeah. For sure. So I guess before we get into the next thing that I just kind of want to reiterate, or we're talking about here, so the question is what are your shin was gifts? And these are things that you are definitely good at yet. It takes a lot of energy and resources to accomplish these things. So just kind of sit down and like, you know, to me, I think that's a question that you can get out there and do. For me, strenuous gear, if I could answer that question would be doing stuff like real estate being stuck, like when I'm pinned up against a wall or I have a deadline to meet, like I'm super good at getting that accomplished and getting it done yet at the end of the day, that kind of thing, like expenditure, like I'm spent after I do it.

Ransom (20:50):

And then the other question is going to be, what are your hidden treasures? And from that would be things that you're not very good at yet. They energize you or they recharge you. You know? And like I said, for me, it's like playing super smash bros, stupid game. Like I suck at it and hate it. You know, as far as sucking at it, I wish I was a lot better, but playing it, like, there's something about it. There's something about the way that, you know, you have to adapt the game the way you have to play it. That just kind of like energy. This is being like, it gets me motivated. So I don't know. It's kind of cool.

Tyson (21:28):

Yeah. Those are good examples. And then I guess the next set of questions we picked on and in these exercises, this is not all of the questions. There's a couple that we like. So do go through the exercises and and get to all the questions, take the time to answer these questions. It's, it's a good thought exercise at the least, and you're going to find it. I think you're gonna find that clarity and be able to shape your day, your career, your life, and different things that you're doing. So this next one here is a, I'll just read this out here. Take a few minutes to think about all the people in the world who could possibly care about you, either in your daily life, on the background of your life. These people could have a large impact on your life or enrich it through small acts of kindness or support.

Tyson (22:13):

How often do you sit back and think like that that's something really to, to spend some time thinking about it, all these people that are supporting you. Sometimes you might just be fucking irritated at them and pissed off at them, taking the opportunity to say, thank you for being in my corner. Thank you for pointing that out. Thank you for supporting me, even though you think I'm dumb or you think I'm doing something wrong or whatever it is like, you know, even if you don't say nothing to them, you know, giving that thought to yourself, putting that energy out, you know there's this type of meditation called meadow where it's just like loving kindness kind of thing. And this is along those lines or sending that out through, through yourself, saying, thank you for supporting me. Thank you for enriching my life. Thank you for mentoring me. You know what I mean? Even if they're not real direct things, I really like this, this one

Ransom (22:58):

I thought, yeah, not even in this maybe not in this exercise, but in, in other exercises that he is like, you know, just thinking about these people and thanking them. I think in one of the exercises, he, he says like, you know, something you're grateful for write a letter about it, but don't send a letter like you don't ever have to send a letter, like the person that you are, you know, awesomely like owe everything to and care about. Like, you can write them a letter yet. You don't have to send it. They know what I mean. You read the letter for yourself so that you can develop these feelings of kindness and support and loving this and, you know, just putting yourself in a positive state, in a positive. I do a lot of, I guess, positive thinking when I go running and stuff.

Ransom (23:50):

And you know, when I first get up, if I go run and then I think about positive things and I don't think about every single person. Yeah. But but I definitely do think about a lot of things. And a lot of people come up when I'm in that mode of like, just being grateful for things. And I guess as of recently I've come across a few people in my life who like, you know, they, I just started to get upset at me cause I never really tell them, thank you. You know? And just like for small little stuff here and there, like I'm a, I'm a big ticket kind of person. Like if you do something big or if you know who I am, when you do the research and you get me a gift, that really means something to me. And I'll be like, yes, thank you.

Ransom (24:30):

And I'll thank you forever more that, but like the little stuff, like I'm not so big on and you know, a few people around me and my recent space and just kind of tried to remind me of that. Like, look, you know, you got a say, thank you for like the littlest things. Like I understand you're not as important to me as it should be, but the person that cares about you, the person that wants to support you and do something for you, like it's just a little thing that they're doing. You know what I mean? And just, just that small little thank you. Like you you'd be surprised at how much it can even just enlighten your own life. If not the other person is thinking about you.

Tyson (25:07):

And that works really well. If you are a manager or owner or something that you can tell your, you know, let your employees and your staff and whatever your team members know that, you know, thank you for your heart

Ransom (25:18):

Show, that appreciation that goes a long, long way. And a lot of people when they quit jobs or they're frustrated jobs, it's that lack of appreciation vacs there.

Tyson (25:27):

But it's, you know, if you just generally genuine genuinely, you li God, you guys, and what I mean, give that and say that and show that, you know, I I'm the same way around something you're doing, you're doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Ransom (25:41):

Thank you for me. That's what you're supposed to be doing. I shouldn't have to tell you. You didn't expect nothing from me. Like you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. Yeah.

Tyson (25:52):

Yeah. I forget that. Like, when you, you have to acknowledge people like thank you for doing what you're supposed to be doing. I really appreciate it. Cause there's a lot of things you shouldn't be doing that you're not doing. And I also appreciate it

Ransom (26:03):

That, you know, yeah, no, it's going to remind yourself of that. I mean, that, that happens anywhere, you know, as far as it goes, but I, and I, I'm not sure if it was this exercise too, but the book even takes it further. It's like, you know how to show people that you care, like you gotta pay attention to. What's important to the person. Yeah. I mean, are they like Tyson? Where if you thank them on just the littlest things, like, they're just going to like brush you aside. Like they don't really consider that Karen, you know what I mean? That it's like, if I do little things for you here and there, like you're just going to keep thanking me. It's like, okay, like stop being a broken record. Like I don't need to hear thank you 10, 10 million times a day for like Tyson set up for something that I should already be doing. Like, you know what I mean? Like when I do a big ticket item, you need to thank me for that. And if you miss that, then I'm not going to steal that you care about me. So like, I mean, like you got to understand the other person understand what is gratitude to them and what is caring for them so that, you know, you can show that you care for this person and vice versa. They can show that they care for you. So yeah,

Tyson (27:11):

I've been noticing that with my kids. One wants a little bit more of the I'm doing not supposed to be doing thank you. And another one's like, this is what I'm suppose to be doing. Don't thank me this time.

Ransom (27:21):

It's ridiculous. Yeah.

Tyson (27:23):

Understanding which one needs, which can really go a long way in your relationship as a parent and stuff like that. So this is good. This is a good exercise. I really think this can open up a lot, especially if you're like us and you are just not into that. It helps. I noticed, like I said, I noticed it helps. And sometimes that's all people really need is just that. Thank you. Just that show of appreciation that Pat on the back, that handshake, it doesn't have, we always think a lot of, well, I have to give you something or it has to be this thing or how, you know, and it doesn't have to be something monetary or something of some type of perceived value. It can just be as simple as thing.

Ransom (28:03):

Thank you. I appreciate you. Yeah.

Tyson (28:05):

You're dependable. Whatever it is, like, think about these people in your life, write a list out and maybe even, you know, you'll go thank them. Okay.

Ransom (28:13):

Yeah. And like I said, it's, it's just all about just being in that environment. Being thankful, being grateful, living with support around you, feeling that support, feeling kindness. And to just take things even further and orange getting a little, the wheezes one question again. But you know, there was times when I was going through troubles and you know, for whatever reason, Sundays was like always the worst day for me. Cause that was the day that I have to like drop my son off, but the other house and like, I didn't get to see him for awhile. And like, you know, Dyson was there for me and like, it wasn't, I didn't need anything from him at all. We just do our normal thing. Just like Sundays. He always knew I call him and be like, Hey, tastes like, what are you doing?

Ransom (28:57):

He's like, Oh, nothing, man. He's like, just come over whatever, we'll do our normal thing. And just that alone. I mean like, thank you tasting, thank you for that. And then just that whole thing, like, it there's nothing special about it. It was just our regular Sunday, everyday routine thing. We just hung out and sharp the shit or whatever we did. Like it, there was nothing special. We didn't like go to concerts or do something crazy or anything like that. And that Sunday we just like, hang out, eat dinner and like, relax. That's all we did that small act for me meant a lot. And I'm not sure if Tyson really knew that. Not, but for me, not really not for that, not that level, but yeah. Yeah. But like for me, that meant a lot. Cause like I was really hurting even though I never show it.

Ransom (29:47):

Cause I'm not that type of person not going to show somebody that I'm hurting, whatever the case might be. But just doing that simple act on Sunday, like that saved my life so many times. And again, just I leave his house and I just feel so much better about myself. And I feel that somebody cares about me and like I said, it doesn't even have to be anything big. It could be the smallest little thing that somebody just likes about you or feels that you care about them. And I don't know, I'm not trying to beat the dead horse, but just want to say that this can go a lot further than, than what you think it is.

Tyson (30:23):

Absolutely. And the next question we picked out of this exercise, this was from I think it's slightly different. Is it the same exercise or is there,

Ransom (30:33):

I think it's the same exercise, but like you guys got to understand when they do these exercises, like he doesn't just ask just these two questions. Like, they'll ask you the question and then he'll give you examples, then he'll break down and go, how can you get even further into this question? And like, these are just kind of like the sub categories. Once again, can't say it enough. It's actually put together really well for the field field manual source. But anyway, go ahead, go ahead with the questions,

Tyson (31:00):

The next exercise in that section. So and this is a really good one. I think that's really good to think about and act on. So here it goes here, whom do you want

Ransom (31:11):

To create the deeper relationship with, how could you achieve this?

Tyson (31:16):

Now? I would like to broaden this in your thought of this too. Maybe even you, you don't have to know this person. You don't have to be friends with this person. They could be alive or dead. You know, you, you know, you could even think about this as, as you know, somebody want to emulate or they want to be a mentor and you can deepen your relationship by reading their books, taking their courses, whatever it is that they're doing. So, you know, don't limit yourself to somebody, you know?

Ransom (31:42):

Yeah. But, but even then, I mean, even if it is somebody, you know, like, are there relationships out there that you should have a really good relationship with that person, but for whatever reason you don't maybe like somebody like your boss cause you hate their guts. You want, I mean, I'm not saying you have to be best buds with your boss. Right. But could you have a stronger relationship with your boss and what it is right now? You know, how could you do that? You know, wouldn't that be important to you to have a strong relationship with your boss? A lot of people are like, no, I hate that guy, whatever. But really I think if you had a strong relationship with your boss, it might make your life a little bit easier. Yeah. You know, or, you know, tell Tufts family disputes and debacle, mommy, daddy, brother, sister, cousin, nephew, you know what I mean? Like, ah, I hate my brother. He's always taking my toys, but you know what I mean? Like there are things out there outside looking in, like we just get into these patterns of just like, Oh man, like whatever, this is what it is, but it doesn't have to be, you know, you can try to achieve something. You can try to create this new thing, whatever it might be. I don't know.

Tyson (32:54):

Yeah. And you know, another, another angle on this you know, hate and anger and all these things, they last longer than the situation does, you know? So in order to maybe, you know, the, how to part of this question is in order to build a deeper relationship with somebody, whoever it is, you know, family or not, or whatever, do I need to forgive them? Do I need to move past this? You know, this, this, this thing that happened, you know, and you know, giving yourself that permission opportunity to say, you know what, this was Shetty, whatever, whatever, whatever went down. But I forgive you, maybe you didn't, maybe they didn't know any better. Maybe they thought they were doing the best that they knew how the best that they could. And just forgiving them, you know? And that might be the step you need to take to start to rebuild this, to start to create

Ransom (33:44):

Deeper relationship with somebody.

Tyson (33:46):

So, you know, think about that too. You know forgiveness is a powerful tool. It let you know, letting yourself off the hook a little bit and letting go of that anger or whatever resentment or whatever it is you have. I think that's something that we might overlook in this question is something like that and taking the forgiveness route in order to, to answer the first part.

Ransom (34:08):

Yeah. And then just taking that a little bit further, it's like, you know, the, the question, how could you achieve this? Like just think about every situation that comes up in life in general, I guess with either somebody, you know, or somebody you don't know, but you can take every single situation that comes up and turn that into something positive is that if I remember on this specific exercise, he talks about two friends having a conversation. And in that conversation, he gives like ways that the conversation can go. And then from there, it's like one way, if you answer one way and you go down this rabbit hole, like you're actually furthering your relationship from this person, by going down route a versus if we would have went down row B. Now you could have brought your relationship with this person to be closer. And like this happens all the time, every day.

Ransom (35:07):

And that happens all the time. Then I see it, I see it all the time and I'm guilty of it too. It's like, somebody comes up to me looking for support and kindness and I'll just be myself and do whatever, not even thinking about what they need. And all of a sudden our relationship is now distant because I'm just repeating the pattern instead of something that I should have done and paid attention to, I could have turned that situation to make our closer instead of the distance that we have now. So yeah. I don't know, man.

Tyson (35:43):

Yeah, no. I think I like in his book and I've been learning a lot about, and trying to pack thought about is, you know, things don't have inherent meanings. You know, you assign them anger, sadness, excitement. So when somebody does something to you, they're not actually doing anything to you. You're assigning that meaning to this words, sentence, situation, whatever it is. And he talks a bit about that in here. And I really liked practicing and learning this it's super hard, especially when things always anger, you always upset you and saying this, thing's not doing it to me. The traffic isn't making it

Ransom (36:17):

Angry, I'm getting angry because of traffic

Tyson (36:19):

Is there because this guy cut me off and practicing these things. It's really good. And having that, you know, that, that mental thought of, you know, my kid's not making me angry. I'm getting angry because of what's happening here. And I need to take the opportunity to stop assigning these meanings to things and trying to frame them in a different way. He talks a bit about this. They talk a lot about that in stoicism and different things like that, but that's something I also like to try and practice it. It's hard,

Ransom (36:48):

Especially things that irritate you when people that just get under your skin like that, it's tough. It's real. It really is. But it's good

Tyson (36:54):

When you can step back and just let things be what they are. This is just, this is just, this is just what they said. I'm not trying to put things onto it, put meanings in for things

Ransom (37:05):

It's hard, but it's a good, good exercise talking about this book yesterday earlier, like talking about ideas for the show, or like talking about like person who goes to Starbucks and they're like all upset because you know, they put in regular milk instead of soy milk, miss like is like, are you really mad that you got soy regular milk instead of soy milk? Cause like if your day comes down to, you can just flip the script and get all upset and bent out of shape because of a cup of coffee. Like, is that real? Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? Like you might want to take a step back and kind of think like, is it really the coffee that's making me upset? Or is there something else in my life that I'm not handling right now? You know what I mean? Is there

Tyson (37:54):

Handle yourself and you handle problems like that? So principal, Oh my God, this is really nice. Hey, I'm sorry. I, must've not been clear on this. I really need soy milk. I have a thing in my stomach. So easy to handle that. Maybe you're not, maybe you just can't do that and you're mad at yourself for that.

Ransom (38:09):

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Or maybe you, you are doing something that you think is your strength, but it's actually a strenuous gift and is draining all of your energy so that when you come up the circumstances like, yeah, you're getting the wrong cup of coffee or hitting traffic or XYZ. Well, you know, it's raining outside. Like, are you really mad at that? Or is there something else behind all of it, but that's looking a little further into the book than meets the eye. But at the same time, you know, it's like, I don't know. It's interesting.

Tyson (38:46):

Yeah, no, I got a quick little example of that. So last week or the week before, whatever it was, I had an appointment on Thursday. I didn't really realize it was Thursday morning when I was calling and Friday was the next day. So I was like, I'm sorry, you know, can I move this to Friday? And what they heard was next Friday, my mind, what I, what I was saying was tomorrow, but I didn't use tomorrow. So I didn't realize it was tomorrow was Friday. And so I showed up, you know, thinking at the time of my appointment, if this is Friday, the day I was asking for the time we agreed on and I showed up and they're like what are you doing here, Tyson? I'm like, I've got a three o'clock appointment. They're like, yeah, next Friday. And I was like, Oh shit. And it's like, they're like, Oh, we're so sorry. I said, I was like, no, you know, it's my fault. I obviously didn't con convey that. And I meant,

Ransom (39:39):

Right.

Tyson (39:41):

I could have easy to satisfy. Like you got so fucking stupid. Like why, why, why was it so difficult? I, I, you know, I cleared my day for this. I spent all this effort getting ready coming here. Like I could have easily gone on a road, you know, and demanded maybe to get in or something, you know, I easily could have gone all through all of that, but it was like, no, I, I must have not conveyed the message that I meant tomorrow. Not realizing Friday was tomorrow. You know? And that's just a story, whatever it is to just, you know, to go along with this and saying, you don't have to assign these things. You don't have to do these things. These things don't have to upset you in these ways. When, when you start to practice this stuff more, it will become easier to not get mad.

Tyson (40:25):

I would have easily, some years ago been like you guys are dumb fucking idiots. Like how the hell could you not confirm to me? Was it tomorrow you're asking for, was it next week? You're asking for it. Like, I could've easily blamed them. A lot of the things that happened there. Why, you know, what, what was he getting all upset? What is all that going to do on a sour, this relationship with these people your time come on place. And it's just a fucking asshole. He comes in here and fucking yelled at us. We've made a simple mistake. You know what I mean? Like so much stuff was going to go and behind all of that. So food for thought, bear with that. Anything else ransom with the book you wanted to cover? I know that we just went over a few questions. Yeah.

Ransom (40:59):

Well, I mean, I guess the summing it all up, but you know what I mean? Like this book he talks about the gluco world, right. Is basically just an acronym, right? V stands for volatile. U stands for uncertain C stands for complex, a Stansberry ambiguous. Like there's so many things out there that, you know, are just not in me, not in your control and B just, there is no rhyme or reason or explanation for any of it. Like, you know, anything can happen at any moment in world. And that's what makes it volatile and uncertain and complex all at the same time. You know what I mean? And it's just like, it could be a good thing. It could be a bad thing. And you know, a lot of these exercises in this book, this field manual of sorts, you know, can kind of help you understand that, you know, there's a lot of stuff out there that, you know, you just, sometimes maybe you just gotta look at it either with a different lens or, you know, focus on something else rather than what you think it's supposed to mean. All those kinds of things. And that's, you know, if I had to sum up the book, I guess now that I'm thinking about it, that's kind of what the book is about. Even though the exercises are kind of out there they go from all kinds of places, like something simple, something abstract. But yeah, I dunno. I guess that's kind of minus Lassie book. I don't know anything else.

Tyson (42:28):

Perfect. No, I think that that really sums it up. We like doing our giveaways one side note on giveaway series. Somebody didn't claim a copy, a signed copy of this book when I did the original giveaway. So if you're interested in getting signed a signed copy of this book, first person who messaged me is yours. I'll send it out to you, free of charge. But if you're looking for a regular giveaways to the social committee that show slash Pickney, see what we've got going on for this, this new decades, new this new year this new month, every month we do something different. Go over to the social chameleon.show/pickney. See what we got. We do all kinds of things. We do books, courses, whatever we can get our hands on. We enjoy. We want to share with you, like I said, head over there, see what we got going on every month, I'll link to this book.

Tyson (43:17):

I'm more about Kevin and different things. He's up to, if you're interested in looking at that I kind of want to leave this kind of as just the book there. I don't want to put any other things in there. There's definitely things within this book, which is a good way to find books is within other books, what they're referencing, things that they go and expand your knowledge on this topic. So see, what's in this book as far as recommendations, go for more books in this kind of area of, of ideas and expertise. Did you have any books you wanted to expand on this?

Ransom (43:53):

Like I said, this is actually pretty well put together. It's a field manual per say. I'm trying to think of other field manuals off the top of my head, but jock has got some good ones. We have those right off the get go, but it's a, it's just like any of the other field manuals that you have. But again, I think it's put really well together. The exercises bro. Pretty good. So yeah,

Tyson (44:16):

I'll also link to the website. It's got some great articles that good, good. A little bit more in depth in some of these topics head over there, check that out. And another a related resource. I think he got pulled a lot of, a lot of information and ideas from is the daily stoic. I'll link to that. If you're interested in getting to more of those ideas as well. And then this week's challenge I'm going to pull the challenge from one of the exercises in the book it's on gratitude. And I think it's a very important thing. I know we've done that challenge a lot here, but I want to give you new information, new Avenue, a new way of thinking about it. So what we'll want to do here is take a moment to think about these questions. What do you deeply value about the here and now? What would you miss if you didn't have it anymore? What do you appreciate not having in your surroundings? What are all the things that support your answer to these questions?

Tyson (45:21):

Nice. Write that down. Think about these things. Yeah. And then for the final thoughts, you know this book kind of lingers around things that are within your control and or outside of your control, you know, things like the web or the guy at Starbucks messing up your coffee or the traffic, you don't have any control over any of those things at all. Yeah. So just kinda think about that. And let's just take that to the next level. Just imagine that there was a world where you can control everything. Anything that you want is at your fingertips, it's at your command to do whatever you want it to do. I think that this book kind of gets down to focusing on maybe not anything, but focusing on a lot more of the things that are actually within your control are at your fingertips and under your command.

Tyson (46:21):

And I believe that the more that you are able to grasp these things, the more you're able to control in your life, the better your life will be. Absolutely. And if you're looking to give that gift to somebody else in your life, share this episode with them, it's a great way to support the show. And you can also leave likes, reviews, whatever you want and your favorite podcast apps, as well as YouTube and whatnot. If you can connect with us between episodes at the social community show on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter also don't forget. Subscribe on YouTube, like the video version, this podcasts, or your favorite podcast app for past episodes and links to everything we talk about here today, you can visit the social chameleon doc show, and until next time, keep learning, growing, and transforming into the person you want to become.

Speaker 3 (47:50):

[Inaudible].

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